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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24325483">Begin again</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Need_To_Comment_Rising/pseuds/Need_To_Comment_Rising'>Need_To_Comment_Rising</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abusive Relationships, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Gaslighting, I do NOT ship Demeter/Macavity, Relationship Study, emotionally abusive relationship, un-betaed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:29:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,129</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24325483</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Need_To_Comment_Rising/pseuds/Need_To_Comment_Rising</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It was Heavenside when it started. But then it all went to shit. </p><p>(Demeter reflects on her relationship with Macavity after the Jellicle Ball.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Background Demeter/Munkustrap (Cats), Bombalurina &amp; Demeter (Cats), Demeter/Macavity (Cats)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Begin again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/hearth_goddess/gifts">hearth_goddess</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So, I've seen quite a few stories describing the relationship between Demeter and Macavity, and people usually go for the "physical abuse" angle. And it's a good one, but I wanted to go for a more subtle angle that I haven't seen all that often. </p><p>Trigger warning: this story is very heavily based on my own experiences in an abusive relationship (projecting, me? Never!) and on things I've read about abusive relationships. If any of that triggers you, please be careful and consider going back.</p><p>I'm not a native English-user, and this is un-betaed (and written in something like two hours), so if you see something that isn't proper English, don't hesitate to tell me!</p><p>The title comes from Taylor Swift's "Begin Again", which punches me right in the feels whenever I hear it.</p><p>Gift for hearth_goddess: you probably don't know I exist, but your willingness to write prompts in a couple of hours and your drabbles about Demeter/Macavity are what pushed me to write this and actually post it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Jellicle Ball has just finished, and Demeter is perched on the tire, watching as everyone packs their things for the evening and starts leaving for their dens. It has been an interesting night: Grizabella coming back and getting to go to the Heaviside Layer was certainly a surprise. And Macavity attacking Old Deuteronomy and almost taking over... Demeter shivers. This night has been the first time she has seen his ex since they parted ways, and she isn't looking foward to repeating the experience. She closes her eyes and lets the memories flow.</p><p>
  <em>It was Heavenside when it started. Demeter was just out of kittenhood, and Macavity was a slightly older cat with the kind of charming smile that his little brother would inherit a few years later. The tom made her feel loved and cared for, and he never complained when she rambled about her insecurities around becoming a good Protector. And the sex? The sex was amazing. That was actually the one constant in their relationship: the sex remained mindblowing even when the rest of their relationship had gone to shit.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And go to shit it did. It started small and innocent enough: Macavity asking to spend more time alone with her, going to fetch her after she finished her rounds with Munkustrap and Alonzo, wanting her to meet his group of friends from outside the Junkyard… It wasn’t like she was against it, per se, it was nice to have someone who always wanted to spend time with her, and his tom’s friends were good people (Griddlebone was a little rough around the edges, but he was funny when he wanted to be; and Grizabella was very caring, for all she was all but gone on drugs half the time). But soon Demeter found herself looking for excuses not to hang out with Bombalurina and Cassandra, her best friends. Between her Protector training and Macavity, she just didn’t have the time. And she couldn’t loose Macavity. He was her anchor, her confidante. And if he lost him, how could she find someone else like him? He was too noble to say it outright, but she knew how to read between the lines : she was an insecure mess, she had trust issues, she couldn’t commit to a real relationship. She was lucky that the ginger tom loved her enough to put up with all her shortcomings.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And it was her fault. Why would Macavity, such a kind soul, get angry at her otherwise? True, sometimes she would feel that he was wrong, or that he was asking too much, but whenever she would point it out he would just get angrier and start shouting about how unreasonable she was being, or give her a detailed explanation of exactly how it was her fault. And he was always so sure of himself, and had so many arguments... He had to be right, right? He wouldn't lie to her on purpose, he loved her too much for it. So the only logical explanation was that she had misinterpreted the situation. As usual.</em>
</p><p>Demeter smiles bitterly. Macavity had done a good job with her head. It didn't take long for her to start doubting her own judgment and relying on him for confirmation. Even when she thought she had a point, she stopped arguing, because she never won, and the heartbreak of the fighting just wasn't worth it. It was so much easier to just apologize the moment the shouting started and speed up the process. And, on top of it all, she hadn't talked to anyone about it for a long time, because she thought they wouldn't understand and they would put the blame on him, instead of putting it on her, where she felt like it belonged.</p><p>
  <em>In the end, it was a mix of luck and friendship that saved her. She had gone hunting with Bombalurina for the first time in months, and a blizzard cut them off from the Junkyard. Forgetting herself for a moment, Demeter had made a comment about how angry Macavity would be that she had missed their daily meeting. When the other queen had wondered why he would blame her for something she had absolutely no control over, everything had come tumbling out. That night had been hard, and Demeter had cried more than she had in a long time (which was saying something, lately), but by the end of it Bomba had convinced her to split up with him.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She didn't expect the breakup to go smoothly, but she hadn't expected how inmensely badly it could go. Macavity had already been steaming when they got back, although Demeter doubted anyone but her could have noticed the signs. He tried to get her in private "to talk" (which she knew by now meant "to berate her for leaving without telling him and being stupid enough to get stuck"), but Bombalurina wouldn't leave her side. That was the only thing that gave her the courage to actually go through with her promise and tell him they were over. And that's when all Hell broke loose. Macavity had tried to push the red queen aside and take Demeter with him by force, and he would have suceeded if Alonzo hadn't been close by and hadn't intervened in time. The golden queen had just been too shocked by the sudden violence of her lover to react.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The assault had meant a three years banishment for Macavity. Demeter felt very guilty about the whole thing at first, and she tried to get Old Deuteronomy to go back on his decision, but Bombalurina's arguments and Alonzo's testimony outweighed everything she said. And she soon realized that, justice or not, she was happier than she had been in years. It was as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. </em>
</p><p>Demeter opens her eyes again and looks back down at the Junkyard. She's still healing, she knows (when she first started fooling around with Munkustrap she was permanently on edge dreading the moment when he would snap at her for not telling him where she was at all times), but she is doing better every day. And now she has helped thwarting her ex-lover's evil plans, protecting her tribe like she was trained to do. She hadn't frozen in fear at the sight of him, she hadn't felt small and ashamed and helpless. She sees Bombalurina come in her direction, and gets up when she arrives next to her. The other queen wraps an arm over her shoulders in a sideways hug and gently guides her to their den. Demeter lets herself be steered, and basks in the warmth and the comfort of her friend. Yeah, with a little help from her friends, she'll be alright.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>PSA: Kids, if your partner asks you to do things that isolate you from your family (blood or found) and your friends, and/or they constantly blame you for their bad mood, RUN. Run as fast as you can.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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